Keep coming back.

I set invisible deadlines for myself to write and missed every single one of them. Then I got mad at myself for missing them saying instead, tomorrow would be different. It wasn’t. I told myself I would watch only one more episode of Demon Slayer or Breaking Bad. I didn’t.

Instead, I delved into social media. I told myself only a few more minutes after 10, 20, 30 minutes of browsing. A few more minutes and then I can reset, I thought, enough to make writing or painting or creating feel like it, or rather I, was worth it again. It didn’t.

I lingered too long in the global picture. My therapist warned me yet I stayed anyway. I scrolled and scrolled and with every article, every reel, and every post, another balloon was added to my body. I began to float. Like the house in Up, except there was no adventure nor sense of wonder. No destination. Only distance. It felt as if I was watching the world’s events unfold from above, my shouts and sorrow swallowed with each bit of altitude I gained.

And then one by one the balloons popped. A slow, deliberate descent began as each crack, good or bad, served as a reminder that I am human.

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I got engaged in Japan to the love of my life and a few months later, we bought our first house together.

My first cat, Gandalf, died while I was standing in a breathtaking plaza in Spain, spending those final moments with her on Facetime instead of by her side.

I had a once in a blue moon night out with my sisters, sister’s best friend (essentially my third sister), my mom, and my mom’s close friend. Not a single child was allowed. It was glorious.

I stood at the back of a crowded memorial service of a close family friend, tears rolling down my cheeks as I smiled, hearing that in her final moments she shimmied and insisted her goodbye be a true party.

I watched my youngest nephew hug my gray-faced dog for the first time and her complete contentment settled in as she became his newest pillow.

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With each moment, empathy deepened, emotions ran wild, and the path to creating fiercely reopened.

Jacob and I spoke recently about how I haven’t written in a while. We have been waist deep in wedding planning and I have felt guilty at times having this bit of excitement I can look forward to.

Leaning my head back on the pillows I confess, “it just feels so dumb to write or talk about what’s happening in my life with everything going on right now.”

“Maybe” he said, “but maybe people want to read some good things too.”

So, here are some good things in my little world lately:

• My wedding dress. I cried when I put it on, I’ve never felt so beautiful.

• A patient told me “I don’t know if I’ve told you before but just want you to know, I love ya!”

• There is a little jumping spider that has made its home in the blinds on my bathroom window. We play peek-a-boo when a late night bathroom trip calls.

• My Christmas lights are still up in the living room. It feels too cozy to take down.

• The random goods and knick-knacks in that Aldi aisle (you know the one). Knick-knacks are my jam.

• My plain, little black journal that I carry with me everywhere.

• My dogs unbelievable love for ice cream (it might outrank me at this point).

If you need permission to zoom into your own world and take a break from the big picture, here it is. Pop a few balloons and come back down.

- J